The word from the National Weather Service is that some snow is headed our way; just how much, of course, is still under debate. The Numerical Analysis weather model, European model, America’s Next Top Model- it doesn’t matter at all, as we have learned the hard way, they are all crap. At this point, it’s just easier to prepare for the worst, pray for the best, and watch the progression from the safety of our kitchen windows with a hot toddy in our hands and fuzzy slippers on our feet. When all is said and done, we will open our front doors and peek outside warily, attempting to keep the huge pile of snow that has blow up against our door from crashing into the house. We will bend over just enough to stick that good old trusty wooden ruler- you know the one you have managed to keep since elementary school (because why would you ever get rid of a ruler, there are always things that require measuring), into portion of the snow at least five inches from the house- far enough as to not measure the remainder of the snow drift, half of which has already begun to melt on your feet, the other half carried off by small child hands and is aggressively melting on top of one of the many electronic devices you have used to maintain sanity. This will accurately allow you to see how many inches of the fluffy stuff you will spend the remainder of your day removing from any path of access to the street. Rule of thumb, if the ruler disappears altogether, you’re looking at potentially two snow days from school and a hiatal hernia.
The biggest fear parents have is how they will entertain their children for hours and possibly days on end without CPS being called. We all know that excessive isolation for an extreme amount of time can cause us to do things that we might normally never consider doing. It’s entirely possible that while you’re emptying the dishwasher for the umpteenth time, because the dishes are never ending when four or more people are stuck inside for days on end, the sound of your children’s endless whining maaaaaaay cause you to suddenly snap. Instead of placing that fork back into its rightful place in the drawer you hurl it across the room. It’s sent flying through the air where it finally lands in one of the kid’s eyes, consequently impaling it and finally just gouging it out of the socket altogether… What? It could happen.
Right -so in order to avoid that you MUST be prepared with the essentials, lucky for you I have some suggestions on how to pass the time.
Lego projects that contain 1000 or more pieces
Oh, this imperative, ALCOHOL
Pediatric Benadryl (this is especially important if you’re against giving the kids, you guessed it, alcohol)
Ingredients for s’mores
Lunch and dinner for at least a week
Food coloring and balloons
And finally, alcohol
Boo boo buddies
An eye patch for each child and at least one for an adult.
Anything else that can be used for first aid when you all go stir crazy and start acting like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. If one of your kids starts to talk to a mysterious imaginary friend named Tony and moaning phrases like “Reeeed Ruuuuuuuum”, it’s obvious that you have failed at shopping for at least one of the items from the “basic” list-namely alcohol. Please note- rubbing alcohol can serve as both an antiseptic and a numbing agent for basic feelings of frustration.
Make sure to get the neighborhood involved in activities. You’re all in this shit together and attempting to go it alone is highly discouraged. Keep rotating houses, one house does a movie, the next an art project, after that they bake somewhere else and so on, until those days stuck at home begin to fly by.
We’ve been lucky so far this year (or unlucky depending if you’re a believer in climate change- which, if you’re not, I give you permission to “unlike” my page right now) and coming up on the end of January and this will be our first real storm. Brace yourself fellow parents. Good luck and God speed.