Parenting Is Scarier Than Halloween

The first time you meet my mom, she will undoubtedly disclose my most embarrassing moments within the fist thirty seconds of saying “hello.”  Among her arsenal of mortifying stories from my childhood are two that reflect what an absolute, total coward I am.  The first- when I was three my Dadie (grandpa) took my brother and me to see E.T.; the minute that freakish little alien came onto the screen I began screaming and would not stop until I was carried out of theater.  And the second- two years later- at five, the parent of a friend took me to see Ghostbusters, despite my mother’s protests.  Mom had to sleep in my room, holding my hand, for seven months following this blessed event.

My overwhelming fear of horror movies continues to this day; even now I will cover my eyes when I see a preview for The Ring or The Exorcist, The Exorcist Two,The Exorcist Revival, The Exorcist Lives, or The Exorcism Of Your Neighbor’s Best Friend. (Why do they feel the need to continuously remake this movie?).

Halloween is the “scary holiday”, ghost, goblins, and ghouls; headless horsemen, zombies, vampires, they all come out to play on that night.  But as I have grown and delved deep into the throes of motherhood, I have come to realize that these fictitious characters are far from the scariest things one can encounter.  Freddie, Jason, Carrie, they are all just made up and live in movie land.  You know what’s real, made of flesh and bone and live here on earth- in my house, in fact?  My kids.

Yup, those two little pains in my tuchus, the snot slinging, pee-on-the-floor making, running into the middle of oncoming traffic kids scare me far more than Mike Myers ever can.

Parenting is pretty much the scariest thing EVER.  Here, let me illustrate:

Your interpretation of “gross”, “disgusting”, and “dirty” will be completely redefined.  What was once unconscionable is now a totally acceptable form of clean’ish.

Is she auditioning for The Walking Dead or just enjoying an afternoon snack?  Jury is still out… 

life sucking

Frightening, besides the look of ecstasy on her face, is the fact that this level of foulness only rates a “possibly needs to be bathed” on the filthy scale.

img_0900

This woman and her post pregnancy bragging body picture is pretty alarming.  I’m all for getting into shape; but “mom shaming” is one of the scariest phenomenons of our times and leaves me pretty damn cold.

Oh, my excuse you ask?  I live in the real world, not some alternate “perfect post baby body” Twighlight Zone. (PS- I read an article recently that said she gained 10 pounds… guess the real world caught up with her too.)

Whats-Your-Excuse

Someone produced this kid, that’s pretty fucking bloodcurdling.

brock turner

Rapist, Brock Turner

Don’t tell the cops, but she’s one of those scary clowns that have been coming out of the woods and terrorizing people.

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Just wait until you find your kid in the oven…

roasting Man… or the dryer…

man in dryer

That moment you notice your daughter has discovered boys…

millie crush

and realizes she really, really, REALLY likes them… Scary is the Amex bill that comes after you’ve built a panic room in
your basement so you can lock her away
until she’s 90.

millie w boy

“I see dead people”

discovering your shadow

 

Watching your first born leave for his first day of school is thrilling, heart breaking, and made me pray for the mental health and well being of all of his future teachers.

first day of school 2   first day of school

“Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight.  Exit light…” (I shit you not, readers, he is faaaaaaast asleep)

asleep-man

Coming to the realization that you can clean up their messes, but they keep coming back, is shocking.  Finally accepting that your house will be dirty until the kids leave for college… priceless.

destructive man

messyman

Do not feed them after midnight.  Seriously, just DON’T.

garbage for dinner

True fear is putting your kid under anesthesia, or watching them suffer and knowing there is nothing you can do about it.

There are those general moments of parenting that leave you speechless and running for therapy.

Like when your son is convinced he can pump milk for his new baby sister:

watching your kid attempt to pump

Or when you have to explain over and over that the little part inside your daughters vagina is her vulva, not her penis. Yet, she continues to insists that it is indeed her penis and she, like her brother, can urinate standing up.  

lady-pees

Coming to understand that you love your children more than you love anything else in this world, your self, your own parents, your husband… everything, is a feeling that is almost too much for your heart to take. 

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So, my friends, pop that popcorn and watch a scary movie, decorate that haunted house, wear that gruesome costume, because nothing, NOTHING, is as scary as parenting.

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