Conversations With Toddlers

As Man gets older his language skills and basic understanding of the world around him naturally advances.  We have all heard of the “Why” phase. Well, we are ankle deep in the “who, what, where, when, how, and why” phase.  Abruptly, he will often turn to me and come out with something I am wholly unprepared to tackle, the questions leaving me perplexed and flustered.

Conversations that make me want to duck and cover:

On the birth of his new cousin:

Man: “Where is baby R?”

Me: “At home with Aunt H and Uncle S.”

Man: “She’s still inside Aunt H?”

Me: “No she came out.  You know how a butterfly came out of a cocoon in your class yesterday and now there is a baby butterfly?  That’s what happened to baby R”

It was at this point that I knew I had done it.  Was Man going to think that the baby had broken through his aunt’s stomach and was now flying around their home?  He was probably visualizing that scene from Alien right now; you know the one where the head pops out of the guys’ stomach.  Great, attempting to provide a proper education was now inflicting him with more mental health issues than he was already dosed with genetically.

Man: “So baby R is a butterfly?”

Me (backpedaling and somewhat flustered now):   “No, people carry babies in their tummies, and then they come out and they are little people… babies…this is a conversation for when you’re older.”

On squirrels and their diet:

Man: “Look, there is a squirrel!  She’s looking for coconuts.”

Me: “No honey, it’s looking for acorns.”

Man: NO MOM, TINY COCONUTS!”

On the birth of chicks:

Man is rummaging through the refrigerator.

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Man: “Eggs, I want to sit on them so they will hatch and make baby chicks.”

Me: “That doesn’t happen with the eggs in our fridge.”

Man: “Why not?”

Now, I could have just said, “Because it doesn’t,” and called it a day, but for some reason, I didn’t.

Me: “Well, they haven’t been fertilized.”

Man: “What’s fertilized?”

Me: “The daddy chicken and the mommy chicken.  No, wait, the moms seed gets sprinkled with… no, that’s not good…”

Me (totally frazzled): “We’ll talk about it another time.”

On breastfeeding:

Man: “Mom, the baby is hungry; where is his bottle?”

Me: “The baby drinks milk from his mommy.”

Man: “From his mommy’s booby?  Her booby is a bottle?  It has formula?”

Me: “Well, they have milk.”

Man: “Her boobies have milk? Can I see?”

Me: “That’s up to her.”

On back rubs:

Man makes this orgasmic like groan, like an “mmmmm, mmmm” to indicate that he wants a back rub before a nap, why he does this is a story for a different post.  We were leaving school when the following conversation occurred:

Teacher: “What are you going to do after school, Man?”

Man: “I’m going to go home and mommy is going to “mmmmm mmmmm” to me.”

Me: I ran.

Then there are those conversations that just make you want to pull your hair out and leave you completely exhausted.  Suddenly, they can talk back, somewhat logically, though not entirely welcome!

“Where are we going?” conversations, or as I like to call them, questions you already know the answer to:

Man: “Where are we going?”

Me: “The supermarket.”

Man” Where are we going?”

Me: “The supermarket.”

Man: “Where are we going?”

Me: “The supermarket.”

Man: “Where are we going?”

Me: “Disney World.”

Man:” Really?”

Me: “No.”

Conversations with backtalk (and grammatical errors):

Man: “I want a pear.”

Me: “Ok, would you like me to peel it or keep the skin on?”

Man: “Yes peel.”

I come back with sliced pear, skin removed.

Man: “No, I want it with the peel.”

Me: “You said, yes, peel.”

Man: “I said, yes peel.”

Grumbling, I walk away and slice the other half, leave the skin on this time.

Man (taking one bite): “Yuck, I don’t like the peel.”

I bring him back the original, peeled, pear slices.”

Man: “I want an apple.”

My personal favorites are those one-liners that are spoken for the sole purpose of practicing new vocabulary or concepts.

Using his new bike that he knows is still too big for him:

Me: “It’s still too big, hon.”

Man: “These pedals are downright impossible.”

Looking in the pool on our vacation:

Dad: “Isn’t it pretty?”

Man: “If we look long enough we will probably see seals.”

At the park:

Lovely woman: “Your son’s shoe fell off, I went to put it back on but he told me he was ‘being a little bit shy’ of me.

Me: “Man is everything ok?”

Man: “I’m a little bit shy of that woman.”

Toddlers really do say the darndest things, and clearly we don’t always immediately have the right answer.  I can only assume as his little brain continues to grow the conversations will become increasingly harder and I will be left flustered, confused, and laughing hysterically after more than one difficult discussion.  I’m going to have to prepare myself better!

What is the funniest thing your toddler has ever said to you??  Did you have the appropriate response?

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