Flowers, chocolates, jewelry (well, maybe not jewelry) – they are all a waste for Mother’s Day. What mothers really want is to just be left alone for a nice day off! We would happily forego the sparkle-covered Hallmark card (that we will inevitably be cleaning up later) expressing how we are God’s gift to mothers for just some simple R&R. Children, you want to give your mom the perfect gift? Here is how to speak “mom” on Mother’s Day.
You will not be joining me in the bathroom at all, for the entire day. Today I will pee alone, without your tiny little hands darting in and out of my pee stream. You will not be poking my belly fat with wet, germy fingers while I try to finish up as quickly as possible. The toilet paper roll will stay intact and not be your afternoon snack. The toilet will not be used for any reason other than its designated purpose.
I will shower in peace and even blow-dry my hair without having to stop every few seconds to take away some mysterious bottle of liquid that you dug out from under the sink. You will not rummage through my makeup drawer or apply mascara and blush while I’m trying to shave my pits!
I will luxuriate while reading an entire chapter of my book while taking a poop with the door locked. (If you bang on that door, Daddy will not be afraid to remove you from the home.)
My glasses will remain on my face at all times and will not be removed for use as a toy or a weapon in any way.
You will not slap me across the face, even if it is meant affectionately. Moreover, you will not grab and pull out clumps and/or individual strands of hair from my head.
You will not use me as a tissue, napkin, or paper towel. I will go the entire day without you wiping snot on my hands, pants, face, hair, shirt, etc. When you’re done washing your hands, you will use the appropriately appointed hand towel; my shirt and pants legs will remain dry.
You will not place half chewed, discarded food bits on me during your meals. In fact, I don’t even want to be at the table when you’re eating. I will not be feeding you. If you would like to join me for my meals then headphones and an iPad are required. I will eat said meals SITTING DOWN, not hovering over the counter quickly, shoveling in leftovers when I get a brief moment.
I will be taking a nap… and so will you!!!!
There will be no tears, whining, or complaining. I think the term, “if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it at all” comes into play nicely here. Now, I understand that you are little and this might be an unfair expectation, therefore, I will revamp that statement and say the following; if you need to cry or whine, then take it to your dad or a grandparent. You will also not refuse to participate in the day’s chosen activity. 364 days of the year are all about you, and today it’s my turn. And no, there will not be animals, farms, bouncy castles, slides, or McDonald’s French fries involved in my choice.
No, you may not take a sip of mommy’s special Mother’s Day juice.
I will be sleeping in. That means that when daddy comes to get you out of your crib you will not shudder in the corner screaming, “Nooooo, I WANT MOMMYYYYYYYYY!!!” Honestly, that wakes me up every time. He will remove you from your crib, kicking and screaming if necessary, and then drive you to the nearest diner where you can scream your head off all you like. You will stay away for at least two hours, giving me my much earned alone time. On the way home, you will pick me up croissants, a sausage egg and cheese sandwich, and delicious coffee.
You will give me endless hugs and kisses without refusal. You will snuggle with me and tell me that you love me. You will tolerate when I smother you with love and thank you for making it possible for me to even celebrate this holiday.
[Editor’s note: Father’s Day is a month away.]