How Does Your Toddler Compare?

Sometimes, I fall to the couch exhausted after finally getting both kids to sleep and I wonder…

Does anyone else’s toddler:

Insist on staying in the bath until every last drop of water has gone down the drain, and sometimes even after??  Seriously, you’re shivering and your lips are blue; what fun could you possibly be having?  I have no idea what appeal a cold, hard, damp, bathtub could hold over the, warm, fluffy towel I am lovingly offering you.  Yet, there you lie, freezing, trying to blow bubbles despite the fact that there has been no water for quite some time.

Use your pots and pans to play with instead of the extensively-stocked toy kitchen your husband spent three hours building??  I hear scraping and banging in the kitchen; I run and see Man moving his stool across the floor in order to gain access to the countertop because he needs “mommy’s knives”.  He has spoons, forks, knives, pots, pans, food of all sorts… even a banana that resembles a… yet all he really wants to play with is mommy’s cleaver.

Get embarrassed by you when you sing??  He used to love when Mommy rapped, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” I can picture him clapping as a little baby and asking for more.  Now he shrinks away in horror screaming, “Noooooooo Mommy, don’t sing!”  I’ve got some news for you kid; if you’re already embarrassed by me then we are in some trouble… I get worse!

Drop a stink bomb?  From across the house you would swear that his diaper was filled with rotting corpses, but when you change it there is this little nugget the size of a pea.  This is a phenomenon I have yet to figure out.

Refuse to eat if someone has already taken a bite of his food?  Note to parents: if you’re going to be nice enough to risk burning your mouth in order to test the temperature of your little one’s food, don’t do it in front of him, since if he’s like my special little boy, he’ll insist you make him an entirely new meal.

Hit his sibling and then run to give himself a “time out”? It doesn’t work when the kid actually likes the punishment.  I like to think it gives him time to reflect on his poor behavior… while simultaneously crafting another way to maim her again and get away with it.

Spontaneously get naked… in public??  Why do you need to show people your junk??  Does the penis obsession really start this early??  I’m not sure I was prepared for that.  Honestly, most of our friends are good sports about it; they snap pictures and think it’s cute… they won’t think it’s so cute when he’s 10 and naked in the closet with their daughter!

Make bedtime into a production?  It used to be drop and go; no muss, no fuss.  Now, there’s a script we must follow.  First, “Rocky rocky” – he rocks in his chair while we discuss his extensive day of napping and playing.  When I finally wrestle him out of the chair he then likes to be wrapped and unwrapped (and wrapped and unwrapped…and wrapped and unwrapped) “like a burrito” in his blankets.  This is followed by back scratching, scalp massage, and cups of water.  I have no idea when he performed a coup and gained control of bedtime, but I miss my drop and go.

Insist on getting in and out of their car seat by himself?  This is an especially large pain in the ass during the winter.  You’re trying to guide him into the seat; he is going rigid in an attempt to thwart your efforts.  This is compounded by layers of sweaters, coats, hats, and jackets, making you and your child a hot sweaty mess before you have even left your driveway.

Absolutely not care when you threaten to take something precious away?

Me: “If you don’t eat, I’m taking away the iPad!!!!!!”

Man: “OK.”

Me: “!!!!!!!!!! Cursing under breath!!!!!!”

Please, tell me I’m not alone!

2 thoughts on “How Does Your Toddler Compare?

  1. Much of this is absolutely my son too! Boy this entry just made me laugh out loud! And this is just the first one I’ve read. I love it already. Have to read more.

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