We were down to our very last slice of cheese; there was absolutely NOTHING in the house for Man to eat. I had to go food shopping and fast! The markets in my area are nothing to write home about, just your basic A&P with semi-crappy produce and a minor selection of grocery items. My neighbor and I had recently been discussing this and she mentioned that she went to the A&P Fresh a few towns over;
I complained about the distance (especially with Man) and she assured me that the trip would be worth it.
She was right!! This morning Man slept late so I figured why not head over there and get in a good shop before his nap. We were both still dressed in our jammies as we raced across the county. I entered the store and I could literally hear the angels singing, “Ahhhhhhh….” It was immaculate and huge. The produce was gorgeous and fresh and stretched out for miles. I leisurely strolled through the aisles replenishing our food supply. This was my mistake; I should have known that I had a limited window of Man patience.
Around minute 10, having already lost interest in the coffee tin drum I had made him, Man wriggled out from under the safety strap, turned himself around, and began riding in the basket facing forward on his knees. OK, I thought, no big deal, he is still sitting somewhat safely and not getting into trouble; plus my hands were right there to grab him WHEN he decided to dive into the main portion of the shopping cart. A few minutes later I noticed that he had begun to lean over into the cart and systematically start throwing items back out onto the floor, leaving a trail of oozing yogurt in our wake. I could not hide that we were the ones who made the mess, as a trail led directly to my cart. I cursed myself for not watching him more closely; I was too entranced with the food selection.
Now with eagle eyes on Man I began to shop again; and of course what I expected to happen, happened. No longer satisfied with just throwing items out of the cart and watching them go splat on the floor, he started to dive from the basket into the body of the cart. Climb back over, turn around and dive, climb back over, turn around and dive. At least three people gasped as they watched my son do this. “Don’t worry” I assured them, “he’s just playing”. I could see the mixed emotion on their faces, torn between laughing and running to call Child Protective Services. During this game he crushed a few fresh loaves of bread and an egg or two. I, of course, put them back on the shelves and got new ones. (Shhhhh, don’t tell.)
I rushed to finish, now just trying to get the hell out of the store before Man made more of a ruckus. Phew, we got to the checkout, finally… What I didn’t know is that I was in for the worst of the behavior. Man began to launch himself out of the cart and climb directly onto the conveyor belt; riding it as if it was Seabiscuit (you know… the race horse). Then he started to throw other shoppers’ items off the belt. It wasn’t cute and I was getting dirty, dirty looks*. I continued to pick him up and put him back in the cart; he continued to climb back onto the conveyor belt and pretend he was on a Disney ride. When it was my turn to check out the cashier suggested that maybe I just put him on the ground and let him stand there.
“He won’t just stand there, though,” I said.
“Well he can’t ride my conveyor belt, it’s dangerous,” replied the cashier.
“But he is going to run out the door.”
“The door is across the room, it will be fine,” she insisted.
So in the interest of saving time and avoiding an argument I put him on the ground… and thirty seconds later he had activated the automatic doors and was well on his way to leaving the store. The rest of the checkout process went something like this: run to grab Man, bag a few items, run to get Man, put a few more items on the belt, run to get Man, get snickers and dirty looks from shoppers.
“Maybe next time Mom should just go shopping alone!” the check out girl stated as politely as possible.
And as rude as it was, I couldn’t help but agree with her.
*As a side note; there are no pictures of this awesome event as I thought it would be tasteless to take out my phone and start snapping pics as he destroyed other shopper’s groceries.
Man vs Mommy 