Pregnancy, I’m over you.
It’s no secret that pregnancy is challenging, but I had no idea just how truly difficult it could be. I had it pretty easy with Man. Even with Gestational Diabetes- which, yes, was difficult- I never got really big or uncomfortable; I was able to sleep, and after week 12 I had plenty of energy. I even felt kind of sexy with my little belly and big boobs. This time, it’s different!!!
Pregnancy sucks, and this is why:
I worked really hard to get my body back after the first pregnancy. I dieted and worked out almost daily and after about 5 months I looked even better than I did before pregnancy. All of the work I had done is now obsolete. I am already at the weight I was at when I gave birth to Man and I still have 11 weeks to go. I don’t enjoy looking like an Orca and I dread the upcoming dieting process.
My boobs are ginormous and embarrassing; I’m almost a double D. I know when men look at me on the street it’s not because I’m hot; it’s because I have stripper boobies. Small breasted women are reading this thinking, “I wish I had bigger boobs!” Well, I have been both a smaller and larger breasted woman and being small has, shall we say, its perks. They wake me up at night; I roll over, gravity takes control and they crash together like the Titanic hitting that ice berg. I am jolted from an already restless sleep by reckless, out of control boobies.
Does anyone else have terrible nightmares when they are pregnant? Aside from the general murder, kidnap, Freddie Krueger-type nightmares, there are also baby nightmares. The other night I dreamt that Kim Kardashian threw a party at my house… and woke both of the babies. Now partying with Kim K might sound fun to some of you, but that in and of itself would be a nightmare for me. And the fact that she had woken both of my babies and deprived me of the few precious hours of sleep that I was allotted made it the scariest fucking dream that I had had in a long time.
I want to drink! I want to drink wine!!!! I want to drink a lot of wine!!!!!! After a long day with Man sometimes all I want is like 5 glasses of wine and I can’t have them. This pisses me off. Yes, I should be able to find other, healthier means of relieving stress. But as most moms know, sometimes you just need to hit the bottle.
I’m tired. I mean I’m really really tired, everyday, all of the time. I had plenty of energy when pregnant with Man, and now any extra energy I may have is taken by Man. When Man naps, I nap. This in turn means that I have no time for myself or chores around the house, resulting in a dirty mommy and an even dirtier household. And with only one allotted cup of coffee per day I start running on empty at about 8:37AM. Plus, I can’t help but anticipate being even more tired once Lady is actually born. It scares me.
I need adult diapers. Aside from the nightmares and the boobies, pee pee keeps me up at night. The boobs collide and I am awakened, but there is no way that I can fall back asleep without going to the bathroom. I have the bladder of a 96 year old mother of six.
I miss my husband. It’s not that he is not here; it’s that I’m not here. When he gets home it’s all I can do to eat something for dinner and get right into bed. I miss our time together over dinner and couch time catching up on each other’s days. I miss cooking and taking care of us and I feel terribly guilty being what I consider to be less of a wife than I usually am.
I understand that most of the issues on this list will only get worse once Lady is born, but then slowly but surely they will get better. Honestly, I have no idea how that Duggar lady does this every year, she is like a Pez dispenser for babies. She must need a bladder transplant at this point…